10 tips to help a grieving heart

If you are struggling with a loss, here are some ways you can find peace and comfort.

Tips for a mourning heart
In the days and months when my sister died suddenly in my sleep, I went through a difficult and complicated mourning process. There have been hundreds of unspoken things and unanswered questions. I knew I wanted to be better. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted the closure if there is such a thing.

My sister was my first big loss, and in the next few years I experienced two more devastating deaths: my father in another country too sick to communicate and my nephew who was like a brother and son to me.

Here are ten things that help me find comfort and peace as I drive pain. Some I borrowed from sources I lost track of, others that I invented out of desperation. I hope you find them useful. Use what works for you. Be brave. Be kind and patient with yourself. Getting used to mourning is a process. In the end it won't be that heavy. I promise.

Here's what helped me:

1. Read books on paradise. When my sister died, I read many books about people who died and returned. I wanted to know where my loved one went. What were they doing in heaven? What did the Bible say about paradise?

2. Connect with others. Misery loves company as they say, so joining a support group and reading memoirs about others' pain can help you recognize that even if you don't feel normal, everything you feel and live is completely normal.

3. Don't think of it as a loss. I hated that loss of words. It made me feel betrayed as if someone had robbed me. So much so that when the time came to choose my sister's epitaph, I suggested and chose, Not lost, first. It helped me to see those words engraved on marble. It helped me believe what I knew in my heart, our loved ones are not lost. I'm in heaven.

4. Keep a diary. I have a small book in which I write letters to my loved ones in heaven. Things I mean, memories, stories, your name. Carrying your feelings on paper helps to free them and word for word you will feel lighter and more connected not only to yourself but to your loved one.

5. Research your roots. As crazy as it sounds, researching your family history by joining something like Ancestry.com can help you feel more connected. When my father was dying and I was unable to communicate with him, I found myself looking for his lineage. Even though we were separated from half the world, I felt closer to him.

6. Find peace through prayer. You can't change the past, but you can make peace with it. For a long time I prayed to God to tell me why my sister died, not only what went wrong in her physical body, but why, philosophically, she had to die. Over time my prayer has changed from why it happened, to help me understand that there are things I can't know. If you are struggling with why it happened, take Rainer Maria Rilke's beautiful words to heart: “Be patient towards everything that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like closed rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign language. Do not look for answers now, which cannot be given because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. "

7. Do something physical. After my granddaughter lost mom, she started practicing. Pushing his body to the limit healed his spirit. Later she said to me, “The only thing that saved me from the loss of pain was to exercise that feeling right outside of me. By practicing and bringing out all the feelings of anger and injustice. "

8. Take on a loved one's favorite hobby. Did your loved one like to cook? Do you listen to jazz? The next time you feel overwhelmed by their lack, participate in something he liked. Just give it a try. You will see that it helps.

9. Create a memorial site or tradition. My mom lights candles for my sister every night. I created a special place in my courtyard which I dedicated to my father's memory. Plant a tree or build a memory book: all these things can help heal.

10. Be patient with yourself. If you have trouble forgiving a loved one, pray, write them a letter. If you are overwhelmed by the lack of them, allow yourself the pain. Ask for signs from heaven or dreams that will bring healing. You will be amazed by the miracles that happen when you ask for reassurance that your loved one is fine.