4 steps to consider when the Church disappoints you
Let's be honest, when you think of the church, the last word you want to associate it with is disappointment. However, we know that our pews are full of people who have been disappointed and injured by the church - or more specifically members of the church.
The only thing I don't want to do is shed some light on these disappointments because they are real. And honestly, there is nothing as bad as the church. The reason why church disappointment hurts so much is because it is often unexpected and usually surprises you. There are some things you expect to happen outside the church, however when they happen inside the church the disappointment and pain is greater and much more harmful.
That's why I want to talk to the victims - those who are on the receiving side. Because recovery is often difficult and some people never recover. With that in mind, I want to offer you four things to do when the church disappoints you.
1. Identify who or what has disappointed you
There is an expression that says you don't throw the baby out of the bath water, yet the church wound can make you do just that. You can give up everything, leave and never come back. Basically, you threw the baby out with the bath water.
The first thing I encourage you to do is identify who or what has disappointed you. Many times, because of the pain, we take the actions of a few and apply them to the group as a whole. It could be a person who hurt or disappointed you, but instead of identifying the individual you blame the whole organization.
However, there may be times when this is justified, especially if the organization covers the person who caused the damage. That's why it's important to identify the root of the disappointment. This will not necessarily make you feel better, but will allow you to focus your attention appropriately. As difficult as it may be, don't blame the group for the actions of one or a few, unless the whole group is at fault.
2. Address disappointment when appropriate
When disappointment occurs, I encourage you to face disappointment, but only if it is appropriate. There are times when it is appropriate to face pain and there are times when the wound is too deep to heal in that environment. If so, the only remedy would be to leave that situation and find another place to worship.
I am a parent of two children and one has special needs. Due to my son's special needs, he may not always be quiet and still in church when he should be. One Sunday the parish priest of the church we were witnessing read a letter in front of the congregation of someone visiting the church. They said the church was beautiful but the noisy children in the sanctuary were a distraction. At that time, there were only two children in the sanctuary; they were both mine.
The pain he caused by reading that letter created a disappointment from which we were unable to recover. Needless to say, we left that church not long after. We made a decision, I might add in prayer, that if our kids were so annoying we wouldn't be in the right place. I share this story to let you know that you have to decide whether or not to face the disappointment or recognize that maybe you're in the wrong place. The key is to make sure you get to your decision in prayer, not emotionally.
One thing to note is that the disappointment we experienced in that one church did not make us all the worse. We recognized that the specific church was not the right place for our family; it did not mean that all churches were not suitable for our family. Since then we have continued to find a church that meets all our needs and that also has a ministry of special needs for our son. So, I remind you, don't throw the baby away with the tub water.
While you are thinking in prayer about what to do, you may find that the worst thing to do in your situation is to escape from it. Sometimes this is what your enemy Satan wants you to do. That's why you have to react in a prayerful and non-emotional way. Satan can use disappointment to create discouragement and if it really does manifest it can lead to a premature departure. That's why you have to ask God, do you want me to do it or is it time to leave? If you decide to face disappointment, here is a scriptural guide on how to do it:
“If another believer sins against you, go in private and indicate the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have regained that person. But if you can't, bring one or two others with you and go back, so that everything you say can be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to church. So if he does not accept the church's decision, treat that person as a corrupt pagan or tax collector "(Matthew 18: 15-17).
3. Ask for grace to forgive
However real and painful the pain of the church may be, having forgiveness can have much worse consequences. That's why, regardless of who hurt you and what they did, you have to ask God for the grace to forgive. This will ruin you if you don't.
I know people who have been injured in church and have allowed their ruthlessness to wreak havoc on their relationships with God and other people. By the way, this is a page that just came out of the enemy's playbook. Everything that drives a wedge, creates a division or separates you from the body of Christ is motivated by the enemy. Unforgiveness will definitely do this to you. It will take you for a ride and leave you in a place of isolation. When you are isolated, you are vulnerable.
The reason why forgiveness is so demanding is because you feel like you are justifying the behavior and not getting full satisfaction or revenge. You need to understand that forgiveness is not about getting your claim. Forgiveness means guaranteeing your freedom. If you do not forgive, you will be imprisoned forever by the pain and disappointment that has been made to you. This disappointment will actually turn into a life sentence. It can have far greater repercussions than you can ever imagine, which is why you must ask God for the grace to forgive. I'm not saying this will be easy, but it will be necessary if you ever want to escape the prison of disappointment.
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked: 'Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus replied, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times' "(Matthew 18: 21-22).
4. Remember how God handles your disappointment
There were these bracelets that were very popular for a while, WWJD. What would Jesus do? This is so essential to remember when disappointments are faced. When considering this question, put it in the right frame.
Here's what I mean: what would Jesus do if I let him down? There is not a person on the face of this earth who can say that he has never disappointed God. What did God do when you did it? How did he treat you? This is what you need to remember when someone disappoints you.
I must admit that the natural inclination is to justify pain and not treat it as Jesus would. In the long run, this ends up hurting you more than those who have disappointed you. Remember these words:
“Hold onto each other and forgive each other if any of you have a complaint against someone. Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you. And on all these virtues put love, which unites them all in perfect unity "(Colossians 3: 13-14, added emphasis).
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God has loved us so much, we should love one another too ”(1 John 4: 10-11, emphasis added).
"Above all, love one another deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4: 8).
When you are disappointed, I pray that you will remember the great love that God made rain on you and your many sins that God has forgiven. It does not simplify the pain but gives you the right perspective to deal with it.