Buddhism and compassion
The Buddha taught that to achieve enlightenment, a person must develop two qualities: wisdom and compassion. Wisdom and compassion are sometimes compared to two wings working together to allow the flight or two eyes working together to see deeply.
In the West, we are taught to think of "wisdom" as something that is primarily intellectual and "compassion" as something that is primarily emotional and that these two things are separate and even incompatible. We are led to believe that fuzzy and sappy emotion stands in the way of clear and logical wisdom. But this is not Buddhist understanding.
The Sanskrit word usually translated as "wisdom" is prajna (in pali, panna), which can also be translated as "consciousness", "discernment" or "intuition". Each of the many schools of Buddhism understands prajna in a slightly different way, but in general we can say that prajna is an understanding or discernment of the teaching of the Buddha, in particular the teaching of anatta, the principle of non-self.
The word usually translated as "compassion" is karuna, which means active understanding or willingness to endure the pain of others. In practice, prajna gives rise to karuna and karuna gives rise to prajna. Really, you can't have one without the other. They are a means of realizing enlightenment and in themselves they are also the enlightenment itself manifested.
Compassion as training
In Buddhism, the ideal of practice is to act selflessly to alleviate suffering wherever it appears. You may argue that it is impossible to eliminate suffering, but practice requires us to make the effort.
What does being kind to others have to do with enlightenment? First, it helps us understand that "I individualize" and "individual you" are wrong ideas. And as long as we are stuck in the idea of "what's inside for me?" we are not wise yet.
In Being Upright: Zen Meditation and the Bodhisattva Precect, the teacher of Soto Zen Reb Anderson wrote: "By reaching the limits of practice as a separate personal activity, we are ready to receive help from compassionate realms beyond our discriminating awareness." Reb Anderson continues:
“We understand the intimate connection between conventional truth and ultimate truth through the practice of compassion. It is through compassion that we become deeply rooted in conventional truth and therefore prepared to receive the ultimate truth. Compassion brings great warmth and kindness to both perspectives. It helps us to be flexible in our interpretation of the truth and teaches us to give and receive help in the practice of precepts. "
In The Essence of the Heart Sutra, His Holiness the Dalai Lama wrote,
“According to Buddhism, compassion is an aspiration, a state of mind, which wants others to be free from suffering. It is not passive - it is not just empathy - but rather an empathic altruism that actively strives to free others from suffering. True compassion must have both wisdom and loving-kindness. That is to say, one must understand the nature of the suffering from which we wish to free others (this is wisdom), and one must experience deep intimacy and empathy with other sentient beings (this is loving kindness). "
No thanks
Have you ever seen someone do something courteous and then get angry for not being duly thanked? True compassion has no reward expectations or even a simple "thank you" attached to it. Expecting a reward is keeping the idea of one separate self and another separate, which is contrary to the Buddhist goal.
The ideal of dana paramita - the perfection of giving - is "no donor, no receiver". For this reason, traditionally, asking the monks for alms silently receives alms and does not express thanks. Of course, in the conventional world, there are donors and receivers, but it is important to remember that the act of giving is not possible without receiving. Therefore donors and recipients create each other and one is not superior to the other.
Having said that, feeling and expressing gratitude can be a tool to eliminate our selfishness, so unless you are an imploring monk, it is certainly appropriate to say "thank you" to acts of courtesy or help.
Develop compassion
To tap into an old joke, you have to be more compassionate in the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.
It has already been noted that compassion arises from wisdom, just as wisdom arises from compassion. If you don't feel particularly wise or compassionate, you may think the whole project is hopeless. But nun and teacher Pema Chodron says "start where you are". Whatever mess your life is right now is the ground from which lighting can grow.
In truth, although you can take it one step at a time, Buddhism is not a "one step at a time" process. Each of the eight parts of the Eightfold Path supports all other parts and should be pursued simultaneously. Each step integrates all the steps.
That said, most people start with a better understanding of their suffering, which brings us back to prajna: wisdom. Usually, meditation or other awareness practices are the means by which people begin to develop this understanding. As our illusions dissolve, we become more sensitive to the suffering of others. As we become more sensitive to the suffering of others, our illusions dissolve further.
Compassion for yourself
After all this talk about altruism, it may seem strange to end up with the discussion of compassion for yourself. But it is important not to run away from our own suffering.
Pema Chodron said, "To have compassion for others, we must have compassion for ourselves." He writes that in Tibetan Buddhism there is a practice called tonglen, which is a kind of meditation practice to help us connect with our own suffering and the suffering of others.
“Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we free ourselves from an ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to feel love for ourselves and for others and we too must take care of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and also introduces us to a much broader view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By practicing, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. "
The suggested method for tonglen meditation varies from teacher to teacher, but usually it is a breath-based meditation in which the meditator displays taking the pain and suffering of all other beings in each inhalation and giving our love, compassion and joy to all suffering beings on each exhalation. If practiced with absolute sincerity, it quickly becomes a profound experience, since the sensation is not at all of symbolic visualization, but of literally transforming pain and suffering.
A practitioner becomes aware of tapping into an infinite well of love and compassion that is available not only for others but for ourselves. It is therefore an excellent meditation to practice during the periods when you are most vulnerable. Healing others also heals the self and the boundaries between self and others are seen for what they are: non-existent.