Family: how to apply the strategy of forgiveness
THE FORGIVENESS STRATEGY
In Don Bosco's educational system, forgiveness occupies an important place. In current family education, unfortunately, it knows a dangerous eclipse. The cultural climate in which we live does not have a great esteem for the concept of forgiveness, and "mercy is an unknown virtue.
To the young secretary Gioachino Berto, who showed himself shy and apprehensive in his work, Don Bosco one day said: «Look, you are too afraid of Don Bosco: you believe that I am rigorous and so demanding, and therefore it seems that he is afraid of me . You dare not speak to me freely. You are always anxious not to be satisfied. Feel free to fear. You know that Don Bosco loves you: therefore, if you make small ones, don't mind, and if you make big ones, he will forgive you ».
The family is the place of forgiveness par excellence. In the family, forgiveness is one of those forms of energy that avoids the deterioration of relationships.
We can make some simple considerations.
The ability to forgive is learned from experience. Forgiving is learned from one's parents. We are all apprentices in this field. We must learn to forgive. If when we were children our parents had apologized for their mistakes, we will know how to forgive. If we had seen them forgive each other, we would know much better how to forgive. If we had lived the experience of being repeatedly forgiven for our mistakes, not only would we know how to forgive, but we would have experienced firsthand the ability that forgiveness has to transform others.
True forgiveness is about important things. Too often we associate forgiveness with slight errors and faults. True forgiveness occurs when something truly serious and upsetting has happened for no valid reason. Overcoming small deficiencies is easy. Forgiveness is about serious things. It is a "heroic" act.
True forgiveness does not hide the truth. True forgiveness recognizes that a mistake has really been made, but states that the person who committed it still deserves to be loved and respected. To forgive is not to justify behavior: the mistake remains a mistake.
It is not weakness. Forgiveness requires that the mistake made must be repaired or at least not repeated. Reparation is never a larval form of revenge, but the concrete will to rebuild or start again.
True forgiveness is a winner. When you understand that you have forgiven and express your forgiveness, you are freed from a huge burden. Thanks to those two simple words, "I forgive you", it is possible to solve intricate situations, save relationships destined for breaking and many times to find family serenity. Forgiveness is always an injection of hope.
True forgiveness really forgets. For too many, forgiving only means burying the hatchet with the handle outside. They are ready to grab it again at the first opportunity.
Training is needed. The strength to forgive dozes in all of us, but as with all the other skills we must train to get it out. In the beginning it takes time. And also a lot of patience. It is easy to make intentions, then past, present and future accusations are triggered at the slightest disappointment. It should always be remembered that whoever points a finger at the others points at least three at himself.
It is always an expression of true love. Those who do not sincerely love cannot forgive. For this, after all, parents forgive a lot. Unfortunately children forgive much less. According to Oscar Wilde's formula: "Children start by loving their parents; having grown up, they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. " Forgiveness is the breath of love.
"Because they don't know what they're doing." The message that Jesus brought to humanity is a message of forgiveness. His words on the cross were: "Father, forgive them because they don't know what they are doing". This simple sentence contains the secret to learning to forgive. Especially when it comes to kids, ignorance and naivety are the cause of almost every mistake. Anger and punishment break the bridges, forgiveness is an outstretched hand to help and correct.
True forgiveness is born from above. One of the fulcrums of the Salesian educational system is the sacrament of reconciliation. Don Bosco knew well that those who feel forgiven are more easily willing to forgive. Today few confess: for this there is so little forgiveness. We should always remember the gospel parable of the two debtors and the daily words of the Our Father: "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors".
by Bruno Ferreo - Salesian Bulletin - April 1997