Learn to speak the 5 languages of love
Gary Chapman's best-selling book The 5 Love Languages (Northfield Publishing) is a frequent reference in our family. Chapman's premise is that when we relate to those we love, we do so using five "languages" - physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gift - to show our care and commitment. Likewise, we are able to receive the love of others in these five languages.
Each person needs all five languages, but within these five languages each person has a primary language. Those who have a primary love language of affirmative words, for example, are quick to emphasize the good they see in those they are in a relationship with: "Dress nice!" People whose primary language of love is acts of service can be found to make food, do chores, or otherwise help those in the family.
Liam, our second child, has acts of service as his main language of love. He said it this way as he was helping me get ready for a party: “There's something about setting up these chairs and tables that makes me so happy. I think about everyone who is coming and how they will have a place to sit. Does everyone feel so ready for a party? “I watched his sister, Teenasia, watching TV, whose main language of love is gift giving, and I assured Liam that not everyone finds joy in the last hour work before the guests arrive.
The challenge of family life is that everyone “speaks” a different primary language of love. I could shower my kids with compliments, but if I don't recognize that Jamilet might prefer a hug (physical touch) and Jacob needs some time with me, we may not connect so easily. Husbands and wives who know each other's language of love are better able to cope with the ebb and flow of marriage. I know that Bill's primary language is quality time, and he understands that mine is words of affirmation. A date we both need is dinner alone with quality conversation that includes Bill telling me how wonderful I am. Just kidding. A type of.
But if the five languages of love are important to family life, they take on even greater significance when we observe how we are called to serve those who have been hurt among us. A landmark study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente indicates that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are often at the root of some of our society's most significant problems. Children who have experienced trauma in the form of physical or sexual abuse, who have been neglected, who have witnessed violence, who have experienced food insecurity, or whose parents have abused drugs or alcohol are more likely to become graduate adults and lower employment, higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse, higher rates of serious health conditions, and higher rates of depression and suicide.
The CDC notes that about 40 percent of the population experienced two or more categories of ACE on a 10-point questionnaire, with nearly 10 percent of people experiencing four or more deeply traumatic ACEs in childhood. While research on building resilience in children is still developing, I look at each of the categories that the CDC invokes in their ACE study and see the corresponding love language, as defined by Chapman, that could be part of the healing process. .
The opposite of abandonment and the cutting language of emotional abuse are words of affirmation. The opposite of abandonment is the gift of the needs for food, shelter and clothing. The opposite of physical and sexual abuse is loving, safe, and welcome physical contact. The opposite of the lack of presence of an incarcerated or drug or alcohol abuse parent is quality time. And acts of service can counter any category of ACE, depending on what the service is.
ACEs and traumas are part of the human experience from Cain and Abel. We don't need to look far for those who suffer. They are our family members, neighbors, and members of our congregation. They are our colleagues and those in line for a meal plan. The novelty is that science can now confirm the implications of trauma that we had only previously intuited. Now we can quantify and give language to the dangers that come from too little love. We have long known that injured children face challenges in adulthood, but now the CDC has shown us exactly what the risks will be.
The languages of love are also not new, right now better defined. Every act of Jesus - from his healing touch to his quality time with disciples at his service in washing his feet - was a language of love. Our mission as followers is to integrate what science is demonstrating with the tasks we have long been called to do.
We are called to heal by loving. We must become fluent in all five languages.