Let St. Francis be your guide to peace

Let us be an instrument of peace while we are parents.

My 15 year old daughter recently started asking me what my working day was like. The first day he asked, I stammered an answer, “Um. Beautiful. I've had meetings. "As she kept asking every week, I started to answer more thoughtfully, telling her about an interesting project, a problem or a fun colleague. As I spoke, I found myself looking at her to see if she was also interested in my story. It was, and I felt a little incredulous.

More than getting taller or even getting a driver's license, it is a child's ability to look at a parent as a human being with his or her own thoughts, dreams and struggles which is a sign of greater age and maturity. This ability to recognize the parent as a person beyond the role of mother or father cannot be forced. It comes gradually, and some people don't fully realize their parents until adulthood.

Part of why parenting can be so exhausting is because of this lopsided relationship. We give all that we are to our children and in our best days they kindly receive the gift of our love. In our most difficult days, they fight against the love and support we offer by refusing our guidance. However, healthy parenting consists of entering fully into this lopsided relationship. In order for children to feel rooted, loved and ready to go out into the world as young adults, parents need to give a huge amount more than they receive in childhood, childhood and adolescence. It is the nature of parenting.

St. Francis of Assisi was not a parent, but his prayer speaks directly to the parents.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, make me sow love;
in case of injury, sorry;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that perhaps I am not seeking much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
Because it is in giving what we receive,
it is in forgiveness that we are forgiven,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Luciana, whose teenage daughter has recently been diagnosed with anorexia, connects to these words: Grant that I might not try so hard to be understood to understand. “I learned the power to try to understand and give hope to my daughter with her eating disorder. He has said on numerous occasions that if I don't think he will overcome it, he loses hope. She only asks me to tell her that she can do it on the other side. When I look I don't believe it, it can't believe it, ”says Luciana. “It is the most enlightening parenting moment I have had. Through my daughter's struggle, I have learned that we must express our faith in our children aloud when they are in their darkest times. "

While St. Francis did not mention the word "editing" in his prayer, if parents wish to show understanding or consolation often what we choose not to say can be more important than anything else. "I feel I have avoided unnecessary conflict and advanced understanding by giving my children the space to be what they are exploring to be at that moment," says Brigida, mother of four teenagers and young adults. “Children need space to explore these things and try out their ideas. I find it important to ask questions rather than engage in criticism and comment. It is important to do it with a tone of curiosity, not of judgment ".

Brigid says that even if she asks questions calmly, her heart can beat fast for fear of what her baby is thinking of doing: get away, get a tattoo, leave the church. But while he worries about these things, he does not express his concern - and this has paid off. "If I don't do it on myself, but on them, it can be a great time to enjoy the excitement of knowing this evolving human," he says.

For Jeannie, part of bringing the forgiveness, faith, hope, light and joy that St. Francis talks to her son, a freshman in high school, involves consciously taking a step backwards from how society asks her to judge her son. She finds herself praying every day that God reminds her to look at her son with true understanding. "Our kids are more than the test scores, marks and final score of a basketball game," he says. “It's so easy to fall prey to measuring our children according to these benchmarks. Our children are much more. "

The prayer of St. Francis, applied to parenting, requires us to be present to our children in a way that can be difficult when e-mails and linens accumulate and the car needs an oil change. But to bring hope to a desperate child due to a fight with a friend, we must be present enough by that child to notice what could be wrong. St. Francis invites us to look up from our phones, to stop working and to see our children with a clarity that allows the correct answer.

Jenny, the mother of three, says it was the serious illness of a young mother she knew that made her change perspective. “All the struggles, challenges and the final death of Molly made me reflect on how lucky I am to have a day with my kiddos, even the difficult days. He generously documented his journey and gave his family and friends a profound insight into his daily struggles. That's why I'm so grateful, ”says Jenny. “His words made me think much more about soaking in small moments and appreciating the time I have with my children, and this has brought me much more patience and understanding in my parenting. I could really feel a change and a change in my interactions with them. Another story before bedtime, another request for help, another thing to show me. . . . Now I can take a breath more easily, live in the present,

Jenny's connection with the prayer of St. Francis further intensified with the recent death of his father, who embodied the prayer of St. Francis with a parenting style focused on understanding and supporting his wife and three children. "My father's prayer card at his funeral included the prayer of St. Francis," he says. “After the funeral, I published the prayer card on my dresser mirror as a daily reminder of his style of love and parenting and how I want to embody those characteristics. I also put a prayer card in each of my children's rooms as a subtle daily reminder for them of my love for them too "