For Lent, renounce anger seeks forgiveness

Shannon, a partner in a Chicago-area law firm, had a client who was offered the opportunity to resolve a case with a commercial competitor for $ 70.000 and the competitor's business closure.

“I repeatedly warned my client that taking his competitor to court would result in a smaller reward,” says Shannon. “But every time I explained it, he told me he didn't care. He had been injured and wanted to spend his day in court. He was bent on hurting his competitor further, even if that would come at a cost to himself. When the case went to trial, Shannon won, but as expected, the jury awarded her client just $ 50.000 and allowed her competitor to stay in business. “My client left the court bitter and angry, even though he won,” he says.

Shannon says the case is not unusual. “People in principle. They make the mistake of believing that if they can hurt the person who wronged them, if they can only make them pay, they will feel better. But my observation is that they don't feel better, even if they win they always carry the same anger, and now they have also lost time and money. "

Shannon notes that she is not suggesting that offenders cannot be held accountable. "I'm not talking about glaring circumstances that warrant meaningful action," he says. "I'm talking about when someone allows the shadow of someone else's bad decision to eclipse their life." Shannon says that when this happens, especially if it's a family matter, she sees forgiveness and moving forward as a greater value to a customer than winning in principle.

“A woman recently came to me because she believed her sister had cheated her of her share of the inheritance from their father. The woman was right, but the money was gone and now both she and her sister were retired, ”says Shannon. “The woman had already spent tens of thousands of dollars to sue her sister. He told me that he could not allow his sister to get away with the example he would set for his grown son. I suggested that since there would be no way to get the money back, perhaps it would be more valuable to the son to watch his mother forgive his aunt, to see her try to restart a relationship after a breach of trust. "

Professionals whose job it is to work with people as they navigate life's most difficult circumstances have much to teach us about the corrosive effect of holding back the pain and anger that comes with it. They also offer perspectives on how to move forward amidst the challenges of tangled circumstances.

Anger is sticky
Andrea, a social worker who works in child protection services, notes that people who are caught in anger often don't know they are caught. “The sticky quality of the emotional residue can bog us down,” he says. "The first step is to recognize that you are involved in this emotional quagmire that can affect every aspect of your life from filling your pantry to doing a job."

Andrea sees a common thread between people who have gone through anger and hurt to healing and success. “People who are able to overcome adversity have developed the ability to look deeply into their life circumstances and recognize what happened to them in the past is not their fault. Then, understanding this, they take the next step to recognize that if they are in anger, they will not be able to find peace. They have learned that there is no way to peace through anger. "

Andrea states that another characteristic of resilient people is their ability not to allow their past struggles, even if significant, to define them. "A client who had struggled with mental illness and addiction said a breakthrough came when a counselor helped her understand that in the realm of her life, her addiction and mental illness were similar to a little finger," He says. “Yes, they were present and part of her, but there was so much more to her than those two aspects. When she embraced this idea, she was able to change her life. "

Andrea says the same goes for people who find themselves in less terrible circumstances than their customers. “When it comes to anger, it doesn't matter if a person has to deal with the heavy situations I see or something more in the realm of normal everyday life. It can be healthy to get angry at a situation, act and move on. What is not healthy is that a situation consumes you, "he says.

Andrea notes that prayer and meditation can make it easier to have the compassion for others needed to overcome anger. "Prayer and meditation can help us become a better observer of our lives and can help us not be as likely to be self-centered and get caught up in emotion when something goes wrong."

Don't wait until death
Lisa Marie, a host social worker, lives dozens of deaths each year with the families she serves. Find the truth in the premise of Ira Byock's book on death, The Four Things That Matter Most (Books of Atria). “When people die, they need to feel loved, to feel their life has been meaningful, to give and receive forgiveness and to be able to say goodbye,” she says.

Lisa Marie tells the story of a patient who has been estranged from her sister for more than 20 years: “The sister came to see him; it had been so long since she'd seen him that she'd checked the hospital bracelet to confirm it was actually her brother. But she said goodbye and told him she loved him. Lisa Marie says the man died peacefully two hours later.

He believes that the same need for love, meaning, forgiveness and goodbye is also necessary to function in daily life. “As a parent, for example, if you have a bad day with a child and are struggling with forgiveness, you may have an upset stomach. You may not be able to fall asleep, ”says Lisa Marie. "In hospice, we understand the mind, the body, the spiritual connection and we see it all the time."

Lisa Marie's sensitivity to strong anger and resentment may have informed her approach beyond the bedside of her patients.

“If you walked into a room and saw someone in bondage - someone who was physically all tied up - you would do what you can to untie them,” he says. “When I run into someone who is tied to their anger and resentment, I see that they are just as tied to it as someone who is physically linked. Often when I see this there is an opportunity to say something very gently, to help the person melt. "

For Lisa Marie, these moments are about being connected enough to the Holy Ghost to know when it's time to speak. “Maybe I'm standing on the playground with other parents; maybe I'm in the shop. When we are trying to live the life God has for us, we are more aware of the opportunity to be used as God's hands and feet ”.